The deadliest question for your marriage

10 years yep that's right I have been married for ten years! And to the same man I might add. He has been married to me for about a 1/4 of his life.  During those ten years we have laughed alot and cried alot. we have mourned many losses and celebrated many gains. We have struggle with our faith and struggled to keep our marriage and family together. We have watched our children make devastating choices and we have embraced them. We have worked through family dynamics and friendships that didn't make the cut.
Needless to say we have been through alot. And thankfully we have learned alot.
One thing that I have learned that I would like to share is the one question that you shouldn't ask.
What have you done for me lately?
This question is like a nuclear bomb. the initial explosion that comes with asking such a self centred question is rather large ( I am understating here as I am embarrassed to say that I have asked this question in my marriage. ). It sets up the defensive attack nicely. And after one fight, two nukes being launched and detonated,  the dust settles. And maybe even a truce and some co-operation to clean up the mess takes place.
But the cancerous agents have already been absorbed. See now that seed is in there, the seed of doubt.
It grows and it turns into a full blown cancerous root wrapping around our emotions and perceptions. Things don't ever seem to be good enough. We always feel like the ones who are putting in the most effort. It clouds our vision and muddles our thinking. It prohibits us from being a partner.
We can't grow and mature and deepen our marriages if we are being squeezed to death by a cancerous root. We can't put effort into meeting our partners needs or even listening to their dreams and desires because we are being strangled. And what's worse most of the time we don't even know it. We can't see it growing. We can't recognize that it is actually in us. We become so focused on the perception that it is all about our own needs and desires.
It is sad and it is a painful road to get in there and remove the roots of selfishness and doubt from a marriage. It is hard to replace selfishness with meekness, and doubt with trust. and yet a marriage won't survive without either.
So take my advice keep the question "what have you done for me lately"  far away from your marriage.