Control?

I have always struggled with control. Being from an abusive backround my default is to control the things around me that I can, my house, the kids ( The little ones that is!) our menu, the schedule and the money is pretty straight forward too. I became a Christian a year before I was married so it is safe to say I have done my fair share of controling within the marraige as well.
When my dad died it was life shattering for me. Not only for the terrible grief I still experience today at the loss of my dad, but also at the complete destruction of the facade that I am in control of anything!  Witht he loos of my dad came the loss of my job, the loss of security witin our marriage, our marriage came very close to being lost as well on the mix. I lost our mortgage money, I lost the ability to oranize and think clearly. I became very discouraged and developed regular panic attacks.
As I began to work through some of these losses and again while reading through Holding on to Hope There was a whole paragraph where she describes where she was with God, She had madea  subconcious bargin with God. something like this, she resigned to the fact that God had taken her daughter but He couldn't take anything else, Not thier marraige or their son or their house. The rest was off limits. I realized THAT was exactly where I was, ok where I AM.
I realize that my panic attacks stem from a fear of something happening to my husband or one of my kids or my mom. I am tryingt o bargin with God so I can CONTROL the situation. I am trying to regain some of the control I lost when I lost my dad.
So why then if I know that I need to let go of this control, why can't I just leave it where it is?  Why do I need to get it back?  This is part of my journey towards something greater. Job lost it all, and came out on the other side with greater gifts from God. That is my hope that if I loss the ontrol I am on the way to some greater gift from God.

And just because I miss my dog....